The Mother Wound is a hard thing for many people to understand. The trauma that our Mothers experienced have come through them into us. The way in which they parented us could have left trauma. Or, maybe our mother was absent/we didn't have a mother. The Mother Wound manifests in different ways in all of us and yours could be none or all of these things. It is potent today for me because it is my mothers birthday and I did not realize that my Mother Wound was being tugged on until someone asked me if I was OK today because of her birthday.
My Mother Wound never really goes away. As like any healing, it comes back when as I grow and allows me to heal another layer. Some people in my family feel that working through this trauma openly is disrespectful. I want to remind everyone that these wounds are not opened and examined lightly. Nor do I want to feel like this again after I've already lived through it. This work is gut-wrenching and exhausting. It makes me want to crawl into bed and just cry all day... and I have. Some days I feel like ungrateful. My family has made comments that they cannot believe that I care so little for my own mother or that they could never walk away or make the decisions that I have made. This work makes me wonder if maybe I am the problem or don't remember things correctly. It makes me question every decision and way that I have lived for my entire life to see if these parts of my Self have been affected by this. I feel alone and abandoned even though I made the decision to walk away from my relationship with my Mother.
I had to learn in truly seeing these wounds that I am safe to feel, safe to learn more about my Self, and that I am not alone. My feelings are valid and real. I have a right to feel and heal. I am not disrespectful for wanting to heal and know my true Self outside of my wounds/trauma. If anything, I are more full of love for wanting to heal and release generational traumas that may be part of my Mother Wound. I am courageous beyond words. This work may separate me from your Mother, and not a day goes by that I do not think of the women who raised me through impossible odds and embodies so much trauma herself. I send her love from a far, as she did the best that she could with what she had and a the way of life that she was shown. But that does not mean that the trauma I embody and the healing I do are not real and necessary. I can understand someone else's pain and still not allow it to be a part of my daily life anymore.
This work helps me to see my Mother as a person and woman and not just a Mother. It helps me understand her own trauma and how it has affected me. It helps me feel, love, and understand myself more than anything. I now see the trends and patterns that I live in which helps me to break through them and tear them down. I am more clearly "me" and not the trauma I have been holding. The moment that I could tell myself as a child that "I did the best I could with what I had," is a moment of understanding learned behaviors and wounds that are not mine. This is healing and in that moment, a flip switched.
This work does not mean that relationships will be mended or that I will magically be healed. This work takes years and I have many more to go. I will always be in a cycle of healing. I may never speak to my own Mother ever again and that is hard thing for me to say, think, and write. And that is OK. I do not regret this work or my decisions. I've just come to a place where blame does not live anymore, but I have strong boundaries to keep myself safe from further harm.
This work is now a part of me. I have come to a place where I am able to give myself permission to take up space and that I have a right to be 'here.' It's this clarity that has made this work so potent. I still rage, I still cry, and I still mourn what I have lost. This will never change. This Grove Musings post could stir up the pot, but I felt called to share my journey. Today is a hard day. Tomorrow and the next and the next may be too, but I know that I am safe and important.
I guess the point of this blog entry is to tell you that you are loved. So fucking loved. I may not know your journey, but I feel you and that you are hurting just like I do. We have the right to take up space, to feel our feelings, and to be comfortable in our own Self. This journey does not have to be done alone and in secret conversations. We are here, we are healing, and we are loved.
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